Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hey Phil! Here's How to Win the Deutsche Bank Championship.

Enough already Phil. You're the #1 player in the world that can walk under his own power. The competition you face this week in the Deutsche Bank Championship should be playing for 2nd place. You're one of the longest hitters out there, have arguably the best short game, and have before ruled the putting greens like Michelangelo owned the canvas. What gives? Lately it looks like you've had your head up your a$$ and are just going through the motions. We're counting on you to return to form, so next year Tiger will have a legitimate foil. I know, I know, you've been trying for years and frankly you aren't getting any younger, but Vijay's 45 and cashing winner's checks. You're 38, you've got 7 years on him. Sure, you're making tons of money on the strength of two wins in wimpy events this year and a slew of high finishes, but the majors should be your stage. Well, maybe not the British. Still, look on this contrived FedExCup thing as the only major left this year. Win the damn thing, kick some Euro butt in the Ryder Cup and go into 2009 with some attitude. Here's Average Golfer's map for you to do just that......

  • Get mad. You're the consummate nice guy, at least on the surface. If you can't get mad, fake it. Or try sullen, petulant, and standoffish.
  • Dump Pelz. Pelz is great, just not for you. He's left brain, you're right. The only worse marriage might have been Michael Jackson's. You had the best short game on the planet. Go find it. By Friday.
  • Get rid of the hat. No one knows or cares what KPMG is or means. Plus, it's a stupid looking hat. Looks like a car grill. Get a visor. Steal Freddie's.
  • Hit the 3 wood off the tee. You're a smart guy. If the fairway looks like a landing site for the space shuttle, hit driver. If it has more than one tree between you and the green, hit 3 wood. I know, you're welcome.
  • As I've said before, lose the watch. You have no course cred with wearing a watch outside the LPGA. Anyone else out there wearing a watch? Nuff said.
  • Assume you're going to make any putt. Look unbelievably surprised when it doesn't go in. You know, like Tiger. Get your old putter back. It's in the garage. Callaway putters aren't doing you any favors.
  • On the subject of Callaway, have them supply different duds. You and Annika look like fast food workers out there. Get some IZOD shirts and sew Callaway logos on them. You feel as you look.
OK big fella? Thought so. Now go win yourself a tournament.

Til' next,


  1. I'm not ashamed to say it, "I love Phil." I think your advice is on mark. I for one, would love to see Phil back making the crazy (but good) shots he is known for--the ones around the green, not off the tee. What I wouldn't give to hit a 3-wood instead of driver. Let it go!

    Callaway really does need to spice up the clothes. Phil's still young, I think he could even pull off some J. Lindeberg duds. It's worth a try. Finally, even I gave up my watch this year. Phil can do it too.

  2. Yup, I want the "old Phil" back too. Just with enough restraint to avoid the stupid mistakes. Lindeberg duds after a personal trainer though. Slim Fast.

  3. Great blog, I think we may be kindred spirits. This is the first blog I've found out there on golf that tries to entertain as well as inform, other than my own of course, but mine is still just a baby...

    I don't hate Mickelson, I just find him the most frustrating player to watch, ever. All those tiddlers he's missed down the years when he's been in a position to challenge. What you say about his attitude to misses is so true. He's always struck me as someome who doesn't particularly believe he's amazingly talented. It's something to do with that goofy glazey-eyed grin he gets when he pulls off a great shot. It's like he's wondering how the hell he did it. No fist pumping, just a goofy grin. At least he's finally lost SOME weight, you got to give him that...

  4. Gaining it back.

    I don't hate him either. I just think for an apparently smart guy he makes some stupid decisions with tournaments on the line. Hey, it's his money.

    Thanks for the kind words.