Enough already Phil. You're the #1 player in the world that can walk under his own power. The competition you face this week in the Deutsche Bank Championship should be playing for 2nd place. You're one of the longest hitters out there, have arguably the best short game, and have before ruled the putting greens like Michelangelo owned the canvas. What gives? Lately it looks like you've had your head up your a$$ and are just going through the motions. We're counting on you to return to form, so next year Tiger will have a legitimate foil. I know, I know, you've been trying for years and frankly you aren't getting any younger, but Vijay's 45 and cashing winner's checks. You're 38, you've got 7 years on him. Sure, you're making tons of money on the strength of two wins in wimpy events this year and a slew of high finishes, but the majors should be your stage. Well, maybe not the British. Still, look on this contrived FedExCup thing as the only major left this year. Win the damn thing, kick some Euro butt in the Ryder Cup and go into 2009 with some attitude. Here's Average Golfer's map for you to do just that......
- Get mad. You're the consummate nice guy, at least on the surface. If you can't get mad, fake it. Or try sullen, petulant, and standoffish.
- Dump Pelz. Pelz is great, just not for you. He's left brain, you're right. The only worse marriage might have been Michael Jackson's. You had the best short game on the planet. Go find it. By Friday.
- Get rid of the hat. No one knows or cares what KPMG is or means. Plus, it's a stupid looking hat. Looks like a car grill. Get a visor. Steal Freddie's.
- Hit the 3 wood off the tee. You're a smart guy. If the fairway looks like a landing site for the space shuttle, hit driver. If it has more than one tree between you and the green, hit 3 wood. I know, you're welcome.
- As I've said before, lose the watch. You have no course cred with wearing a watch outside the LPGA. Anyone else out there wearing a watch? Nuff said.
- Assume you're going to make any putt. Look unbelievably surprised when it doesn't go in. You know, like Tiger. Get your old putter back. It's in the garage. Callaway putters aren't doing you any favors.
- On the subject of Callaway, have them supply different duds. You and Annika look like fast food workers out there. Get some IZOD shirts and sew Callaway logos on them. You feel as you look.